I love Star Wars (Especially droids and the women who kick ass) but for the longest time i’ve managed to avoid watching the first three films that were filmed fourth, fifth and sixth. That changed yesterday when i went to Cineworld Warrington. Phantom Manace truns 25 this year so it’s back on the big screen for a few days over the May 4th weekend.

The film was… err… interesting… These are the thoughts and questions i had whilst watching it:

  1. Is Anakin the Phantom Menace cos he’s so annoying?
  2. Is it generally accepted that the kid can’t act?
  3. Are we not meant to know that the queen keeps not being Natalie Portman?
  4. Are we seriously meant to believe she is 14?
  5. She looks at least 18.  If she’s 18 and he’s nine then the age gap is seriously gross.  It’s bad enough as it is.  Would you accept their relationship if she was a man and he was a woman?
  6. Star Wars Episode Two: Grooming Of The Kid?
  7. Why is the Queen elected? Is it not a birth right? If not, who’s electing a 14 year old (who looks 18)? No wonder they got invaded.
  8. Why do the frog invader men land on the other side of the planet to where Padme is?
  9. Why is the only significant female character obsessed with changing outfits, like sometimes twice in a scene? The Queen’s clothes are the only thing on the plane (Did they watch Spaceballs, the idea seems to be stolen from there.  I was waiting for a giant hairdryer)
  10. Can anyone enter anyone’s house on the Anakin planet by pressing a button? (Slaves also seem to live quite well)
  11. Is like 90% of this film CGI?
  12. Why are there roads in the big Jetsons City planet place? Everyone flies.
  13. Why does everyone fly in strange single file lines.
  14. Why would anyone trust a droid that was built by Anakin Skywalker?
  15. If all of the army droids are controlled by a spaceship why don’t they start targeting it until the end of the film? Also, they have aerials on their shoulders, why wouldn’t you be aiming for them?
  16. Is Padme’s home filmed in Venice? (It’s establishing shot is the only pretty one in the entire film).
  17. Why do we need three trillion hours of Mario Kart meets Wacky Races but only like five minutes of the actual the actual Wars.
  18. When Anakin puts the helmet on near the end it’s too big.  In the next shot it fits.  Can helmets shrink to size in Star Wars?
  19. They want us to know that the bad dude in the cape is the same guy bossing Padme around right? Otherwise he wouldn’t have exactly the same accent?
  20. Also, what is going on with the accents?  They’re so foced and weird and some of them (Ewan) keep changing?
  21. The entire film could have been saved it the Maul guy had used his lightsaber to get rid of Ewan’s pony tail accidently on purpose.
  22. Is Darth Maul’s face meant to be his face or makeup?  It’s really bad.  It looks like it’s melting.
  23. Why does everyone wear so many layers on a planet that everyone keeps saying is too damn hot.
  24. Was Jarjar added cos the rest of the film was so dull and lacklustre?
  25. I don’t think we actually learn anything new from Phantom Menace other than the annoying kid was born in a town looking very much like a kids nativity Bethlehem to a virgin mother (Never heard that story before)

Disagree? That’s ok. We’re not all meant to think the same. I may not have loved the film but a trip to the Cinema is never a waste and it was so good to see people there yesterday. May Cinemas stay with us forever.